Diaries Of A Love And Food Addict

These are the diaries I've kept since age 14 , and still do, that led me to write A Life Lived On The Ugly Bench in 2020. I wrote that from memory and said then that I must transcribe these diaries one day. I didn't write daily very often but I wrote as and when I felt I wanted to and apart from, it seems, when I was in a relationship, which wasn't often.

My neighbour read A Life Lived in a morning and instantly said 'when's the next one' to which I replied 'I've only got one life there won't be another'. Then another friend read it and encouraged me to do more, so as my children have left for Uni I have lots of time and so I figured why not.

It was always the boy in the playground that was going to save me or food that was going to fix me and while I'm now very aware of that, I wasn't for many, many years. The diaries highlight my pain and the misery of addiction to food and the obsession of the dream of ever being loved. I also spent too much and worked too much but the financial crash on April 6th 2008 put paid to all that. I also knew that when I drank I drank too much, and sex addicted men like to think I was addicted to sex, I wasn't, I just gave away free sex in the hope that it would bring love, which, of course, it never did.

I went to rehab for food in 1990 and there the journey began and it was by no means a straight road, it was definitely a road less travelled, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's taken all these years to get well and find peace and happiness which you can't buy, it is priceless. I still struggle with food a little, though no where near as much as I always have and I no longer search for a man, he may walk into my life, he may not, and that's just the way it was meant to be.

I can say I like myself now, I could never ever say that and never thought it for many, many, many years, I hated myself as did everyone else, or so I thought, because it was what I was told.

I hope this illustrates my journey to a happy, peaceful life full of the joys of this amazing universe we are created by that I believe wants us all happy, healthy, well and to be loved.

Life is ever evolving, don't ever give up, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem that I have thought of many times as is revealed.

With love and sincere best wishes that you have found or will find happiness and peace too.

Sending the healing stuff in abundance, love.... always.