Finding Me

This was not meant to be a book.



When I was a child I knew there was something different about me, but I didnt know what it was. I knew it had to be a secret because if anyone found out about it, I would be trouble. I thought of it as different levels of myself.



I got into therapy to help my teenaged daughter. Who knew I would get help too! My therapist understood immediately when I told her that I had levels. I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder), and learned they are called alters rather than levels.



There are four alters: the Infant Center of the Universe was a tiny baby; a Little Girl who was the keeper of the secrets; andrew, a preschooler who lives in the moment without thought of consequences; and the Shadow. I was terrified of the Shadow because I thought it wanted to kill me.



My therapist suggested I get a journal to work in while we dealt with this disorder. After each session I thought hard about living with this disorder so I could convey it in a way my therapist could understand. Working on the journal was difficult and painful at times, but it became a journey to peace, understanding, and healing for me. I never intended for anyone other than my therapist to see the journal.



The alters are integrated now, and we are all working together. I recently showed my journal to several doctors who were working with me, and they all told me that I needed to publish the journal as a book. They said it would be a great teaching tool, because there is nothing like it available now.



Sothis book is that journal, unedited and unaltered.