Halfwit Nation

Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including: * People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction * Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs * Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus * Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report * UK threat level raised to 'Underpants' * Free bank with every new mobile * Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches * Ferguson apologises to premenstrual Reading fans * Beckham unable to pronounce 'Scientology' Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future ('There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. But there's a much bigger chance you won't'). Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat. 'Makes the New Testament look like a lot of insane, voodoo rubbish' - Rt Rev. Tom Logan, St Clive's, Taunton