I Was Gone Long Before I Left

In St. Teresa of Avila's classic spiritual book Interior Castle she describes a difficult period of time in her spiritual journey when she said, ""When I think of myself, I feel like a bird with a broken wing."" When I left the monastery thirty-eight years ago, this was exactly how I felt. I Was Gone Long Before I Left is the story about my interior struggle to leave the monastery after living this lifestyle for over twenty-five years. It explores the reasons why I went to the monastery, why I stayed, why I eventually left, and what I have learned. Maybe more importantly, it describes the many years of mental anguish, confusion, and depression that I went through to finally make this decision. It has brought back many painful memories and experiences and called for an honesty and vulnerability that I found daunting. For over thirty-eight years, I have been unable to write about my experience of life in the monastery because I felt ashamed. For years, I thought about leaving, but couldn't make this decision because I felt paralyzed psychologically and emotionally. Now, after all these years, I have found the courage to share my story.