My Secret Self

My story starts at sixteen on my return home from school with my sister. There was a storm brewing and a message was conveyed to me on that dirt track we walked home from school on. Little did I know my life was about to change when I received that message. It was my first calling to remember I am more than my physical self.

Our house was on a farm and everyone on this farm was totally absorbed in their own world of sadness, grief, and I guess, regrets. The unthinkable happened to me under the noses of my female carers. My father was abusing me and I was accepting his advances. I needed lots of love and I couldn’t get enough. This made me vulnerable to him.

My mother packed up and left. She couldn't tolerate my father’s abuse towards her, hitting her to appease his controlling mother. She left my sister and me with my grandma. My father was devastated, used me to comfort him, and took me with him when he searched for our mother. On her return, my father and I were caught in bed, and so my isolation and separateness changed my life. Primary school was tough but high school offered me knowledge and a better view of the world.

At seventeen, freedom at last. I was given a car: a means of escape. My self-confidence grew: my sister and old foes became friends. I was asserting myself and I was not going to be told what to do.

My Secret Self is a much-internalised story of my life and my impressions of the world around me. I keep my views of that world, and of other people, a secret. I feel misunderstood. If I shared my views, I feel I’d be laughed at. I will keep my biggest secret, a secret. I see magic in nature and nature can be trusted to support me in my times of trouble.