Returning Fire

Today, I consider myself a very strong woman, only with the help of God. This is who I choose to be. The pain and the horror will always remain, but I know its all up to me to control my being. Time has taught me so much. I learned not to ever remind my kids of the date. For years, I did, feeling my need to find comfort in them. Finally, I realized that all it did was cause them pain as it brought up remembering all the horror of that night. The night I met Mark, it was definitely love at first sight. I had never felt such immediate chemistry with anyone. He was so funny and so charming and polite as we danced and laughed the night away. We made each other very happy from the first night we met. Soon our babies would be the light of our lives, and from the minute they were born, we knew they were an extraspecial miracle sent to us from God. We knew we were the luckiest mom and dad in the entire world. Everything seemed perfect at first, but then it was slow and very subtle that I was learning about his temper. Then the abuse began, always just one smack, and after he would pull me close and beg me to forgive him. I always did, because every time it happened, we always knew it would never happen again, but it always did. For two and a half years, I remember mostly the happy times. It seemed so easy to block out the bad since I always knew that he would never really hurt me. Over time, the abuse would become worse and we both wanted the same thing. For it to somehow end. For six weeks, we would go to counseling, and our counselor said it would be best if Mark could move out, to spend the time working on himself. It was okay since he would come by often to see his amazing babies and me.

He had new medicine to help with his anger, and we saw Mary, our counselor, three times a week, alone and together. Things were going very well, and it was not uncommon for him to sleep over. In the following weeks, everything seemed fine, except we were anxious for him to come home. Maybe soon, Mary said, but we should keep doing what we were doing since it was going so well. Then our nightmare began. What was it that put him over the edge and become the man that he hated so much? He would cross over that line and become the man that everyone feared. He would not be the Mark we all loved ever again. I still believed with all my heart that he would never really hurt me. I will never forget his haunting words on the phone earlier. He'd called nine times, begging me to let him come home. I said, "No, you're really scaring me." Every time he'd slam down the phone and threaten me. "I can't live another day without you, and I won't." Were my son Jimmy's words about to come true? "Mark is crazy, someday he is going to kill someone!"

My story is as funny as it is tragic. It is scarier than I could have ever imagined. What I put my children through is unimaginable to me now. But I did it! I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for being so selfish and not putting them fi...