Wow! This Is Insane!

The captain asked, "Why are there eight spacecraft approaching my castle with apparently evil intentions?"

How to sum up my crazy life in a few sentences?

Okay, here goes: "Those are probably Mobster spacecraft looking to both kill me, since I have a list of their names and crimes on my contact lens, and to retrieve the time-travel arm bands that I just dumped in your trash scow. Sorry about dropping this mess in your lap, but they've already killed my girlfriend and kidnapped my family, and I know they absolutely will not stop, ever, until I am dead. So, I figured if I got the bands into the sun, at least I could die knowing I had done something good with my last great act of defiance."

I took a deep breath and waited for the tongue-lashing that I knew was coming...