Chango Chingamadre Stories

Excerpt from AT THE ACADEMY OF MESOZOIC DANCE: AN INTRODUCTION: Welcome to audition and placement examinations for the Academy of Mesozoic Dance, First Year Forms. Applications are open to any dinosaur between two and six years of age, and must be stamped by a parent. (Biological parent only.) No Guardians, except for Orphans or Parricides. If one has questions, one should wait until after the examination results are announced.) As with years past, we shall use Le Sacre du Printemps for ambience. And may the better dinosaur rip the flesh of the lesser, figuratively speaking of course. ADOLESCENT DANCES: Will the Hadrosaurs... Yes, all duckbills, please come to the bar as one's name is announced: Parasaurolophus, Lambeosaurus, Saurlophus, Corythosaur. Please, Madame Maiasaurus! One must either watch impartially or be asked to leave! We do not want to have to resort to calling in Officer Rex, now do we? Excuse me, girls. When I call out a position, it will be executed punctually and without inquiry. Are we understood? Failure to follow instructions accurately may result in immediate disqualification. Okay! Now: Music, please! Girls: Demiplié, all positions, except the third. Very good. Watch your heads, use the second position of the head until told otherwise. Mademoiselle Lambeosaurus, must one be reminded that one is not holding a violin? Watch those positions ouvertes, Mademoiselle Corythosaur... Do not separate the feet so wide. This is the Dance, not the ablution. Five poses derrières, followed by ten poses devants. Please give it more than your all, better than your very best. And what is the meaning of this?! DRESS REHEARSAL ABDUCTION: Who's responsible for this?! Who let those Heterodontosauruses in, the randy buggers!? Girls, come back! Where is Officer Rex when one needs him? We might as well continue... ROUNDS OF SPRING: Please come to the bars, yes to the bars, when your name is announced. Now: Mr. Brontosaurus... You changed your name to what? To Apatosaurus? That all may be fine and well for your egocentric parents, bit it wiillll not do for the Academy, it will not do at all. Mr. Brontosaurus, Mesdemoiselles Stegosaurus and Plateosaurus, Mr. Megalosaurus... Please, members of the audience, one must refrain from fat jokes, one must shut up. Yes. Music. Please, young ladies and young gentlemen. Keep a very wide distance between one's face and one's neighbor's tail. Speaking of tails, one must be very very careful to control the motions of one's tail during the Dance. It is the essence of the Dance. Now! Five grand pliés! Fair. Not bad, not good, but not bad. At all times both heads and tails in first position. Very good, it shows pride. Positions soulevées, all of them, in no particular order. Improvise. Think cloud. Better than one would expect. Interesting. GAMES OF THE RIVAL BURROUGHS: Everyone, being all applicants, to the bars! Stretching exercises! One may play, but no duels, no combat. We, being yo...